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STEP BACK

Paralyzing depression is not something I know about in myself. In too many of my friends, sadly, I do. A dark tunnel so destabilizing that it seems impossible to steady in your friend’s life. You can only wait it out, hoping that he or she can surface and locate some facsimile of a lightness of being. The biggest fear of course is that they could end their life. Those who do can often conceal the seriousness of any plan to do so. There are too many ‘if only’s’ that leave us impotent, angry, and distraught.

You can’t give an aspirin or platitude advice to those who live lethal darkness.

STEP BACK is dedicated to my roommate, Ales Gang, who, with the slimmest edge of courage, who can’t get out of bed for days, still fights for relief. Who, on his teetering roller coaster, manages to survive, continue and to love.

He trained to fight (box) at the House of Blues for the Haymakers for Hope as a way to at least lessen his suffering from chronic depression. the event raised over $600K. this is what Alex wrote about why he did this:

WHY I FIGHT

I suffer from chronic depression. In the 28 years since it manifested I’ve found that exercise, working too much, and finding any excuse to get out of the damned house have been the only treatments that work. The isolation of the past two years has not been kind; if 2020 softened me up, 2021 put me down for the count. I entered December alone, jobless, and in the detox facility at Mclean Hospital.

I start the new year sober, humbled, and hungry. There are things I’ve lost I can never get back. But there’s also stuff that’s just misplaced. Maybe the biggest is a sense of purpose, an answer for that meddlesome “but what am I actually doing here” question.

One of the more insidious things about depression is how difficult it is to fight for oneself. On the flip, fighting for others isn’t. So for the next four months, the tough question has an answer: I'm here to fight for the grandmother I lost to cancer, for the stepmother I didn’t lose but could’ve, for the moments I’ve lost because I couldn’t get out of bed or the bottle. While I’m at it, maybe I’ll find some of what I've misplaced.

Dancing sneakers: Lyda and Evelyn Cabot.

Funny sidebar: When I was in grad school (an incompleted year) I loved the Art & Architecture Building - Paul Rudolf. I’d climb to the roof, belly stretched on gravel and stare down at the street 5 stories below. I’d watch my spit, an expanding golf ball, hit the sidewalk. One afternoon, when I stood up, a semi-circle of students, arms outstretched in fear I would jump, stood about 10 feet away, wanting to save me.

Of course, I was fine. Laughed it off. Others in my life? Not so cavalier.

lyrics

STEP BACK

there’s a light
in yr window
a chair on yr porch
shoes in yr closet
but you checked out

there’s a book
that’s open
on a messed up bed
socks like mice
on the floor

step back
step back
step back from the edge
come home

we miss your laugh
yr take on the past
the cans of beer
long gone

yr poem’s unfinished
the olive in yr beer
the love that you give
to friends in trouble

step back
step back
step back from the edge
come home

shave yr head
punch a hole the wall
the silence is deafening

step back
step back
step back from the edge
come home

credits

from TRUE STORY, released April 19, 2023

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Rick Berlin (now playing w/ THE NICKEL & DIME BAND) image

Rick Berlin (now playing w/ THE NICKEL & DIME BAND) Jamaica Plain

A giant on the Boston music scene. His colorful songwriting + strong stage presence have influenced countless other artists since the early 1970s. He continues to make music w/ intelligence + integrity, building an international reputation around his knotty, singular piano playing, straight-from-the-heart singing and a style of character-based songwriting that's drawn comparisons to Waits + Cohen ... more

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